Saturday, 13 July 2013
Come Baby, Lets Be Practical!
“How to forget someone you love?” Have you ever been in a situation where you desperately wanted to avoid someone but still felt attracted to them? The biggest challenge? Your own lingering feelings. Often overlooked but depressingly common relationship phase – break up.
Breaking up with someone you truly loved will remain one of your most significant life experiences. The process of forgetting someone you loved can break you. Or it can transform you into a stronger, more balanced and more mature version of yourself, with a much higher potential for choosing and creating deeply fulfilling relationships in the future.
Rule #1. Don’t stay in touch, the ‘NO CONTACT’ policy.
There are many ways of forgetting someone you love. The one way which will ensure you can’t forget them ever is continuing to “stay in touch” with them. It’s dangerous, however tempting because human emotions are irrational and staying friends with someone we have romantic interest in makes us falsely believe that they’re somehow somewhere available when they’re not. It makes us always available to them as a fall back option. (Be honest – if your ex wants you back you’d only be too happy, right?) And most importantly, the cycles of getting your hopes high and disappointment sap all your emotional energy and don’t give you anything to show for it. So overcome temptations to talk to them. Don’t abruptly stop taking their calls. That’s unfair to them and difficult for you. Clearly communicate your decision to follow the No Contact Policy. Cut off all contacts. Completely. Utterly. Permanently. No remaining friends. It is the only option if you want a healthy end. Somewhere in our lives we’ve all struggled with that sickeningly painful period of forcing someone out of your life because you know it is right, even though it’s not easy for you.
> May be because you’ve ended a wrong relationship but are still weighed down by guilt and sympathy.
> May be because someone has ended a relationship with you and hence you know you have to move away from them.
Preferably write an email (Written communication gives you the opportunity to present your thoughts precisely, effectively, and most importantly – without interruption). Pour your heart out. Write down everything you want to tell them. All your accusations, blames, hatred … or may be not – may be longing, wistfulness and attraction – pour it all out in that white electronic space, for the very last time.
Rule #2. Don’t force-hate them.
Contrary to popular belief you don’t have to hate someone you want to forget. Hating someone puts them at the centre of your life, and doesn’t let you forget them. The key is to shift your focus away from them instead. Lies you don’t need to tell yourself if you don’t believe them already include:
“I never loved them.”
“I was too good for them.”
Instead tell yourself, “Everything has its time. I’m happy for the good times I had with a certain individual. The time for that person in my life has now passed and it’s time to look forward.”
Rule #3. Focus on yourself.
The best way to shift your focus from somebody you want to forget is to channel it into something you can love with equal passion. Focus on that most neglected but most important guy/girl – yourself. Now is a great time to take a fresh look at your life. Concentrate on the gifts of singlehood. Re-evaluate your life goals. Is there something you can do differently? Jump headfirst into that hobby you’ve always wanted to pursue. Take that short trip you’ve never had time for. This is a great time to learn to find happiness within your ownself.
Rule #4. Don’t try revenge.
It never works. Holding on to your dignity at all costs is liberating. Keep those vengeful urges at bay. If you try to take revenge at this moment of emotional upheaval, you are likely do things you’d regret immensely once you’ve gained your senses back. More importantly, it would tell your ex how important they still are to you – definitely not the kind of ego boost you need to give them.
Rule #5. Open up.
It’s OK to feel the shock, pain, anger etc. Bottling up all of that can be detrimental to your emotional health. Open up to friends and family. If you don’t want to share this with anyone write it down. It helps immensely.
Rule #6. Don’t trust indiscriminately.
After a deeply debilitating experience like a break-up, you’d remain in deep shock and pain for a while. You might have tendencies to talk to anyone who’d listen. But this is dangerous, because you’re at your most vulnerable at this point and might unwittingly reveal more than you should to not-so-trustworthy people around you. Make sure you connect only with people who you’re 100% sure of, like family or long-term friends.
Rule #7. Don’t try rebound.
Don’t jump into rebound. You’re emotionally unstable at the moment. If you get into a rebound relationship out of your desperation, the chances of making mistakes are sky high. It would also be rather unjust to the person you involve, as you’d be using them as a replacement for someone else. No one deserves that. And most importantly, this would cement your belief that you can’t function without having “someone in your life”. You would deprive yourself of an opportunity to find stability and fulfillment within yourself. This is essential before you can even begin to assess your needs from a future relationship.
Rule #8. The Replacement Strategy.
Resisting your urges of engaging in a particular activity (contacting them, etc.) is basically about replacing that activity with something else. When you have the urge to call them or think about them, tell yourself, “At the moment I’m free to do anything I like apart from calling them or thinking about them. I reward myself for not calling them with 10 minutes of Facebooking, watching YouTube, playing games or listening to my favourite music.”
Don’t be too hard on yourself at these moments of weakness – there’s no need to replace the activity of calling them with something productive. It is important to replace it with something fun. Don’t “punish” yourself with work/studies (anything you don’t actively enjoy doing) for successfully resisting your unwanted urges. “Wasting” a few minutes of your time won’t kill you. Instead reward yourself with activities you just love doing.